The essence of values.
And how they create a purposeful life.
One of the aspects of ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) that I love is the use of values. Not only do the theoretical components of this make sense for personal growth, but I’ve seen how powerful living by my values has been in my personal life.
In the therapy space, when we talk about values, we’re referring to intentions or ways of showing up. Values are the qualities you want to live by— what gives you purpose and meaning. So rather than thinking of them as nouns or large entities (i.e. family, community, nature), its thinking of qualities, ideas or adverbs; i.e., attentive [with family], connection [to community, to nature].
This is really important because we want to create an embodied feeling. Simply being in nature or community could be moot in feeling fulfilled, if we don’t actually know why it’s important to us. Values are very personal and there is no right or wrong value. One person’s value of creativity could look very different in action and goals than another person’s value of creativity, because its more around how you feel internally, not so much what you’re doing.
Research shows that considering values has distinct benefits:
Decreased cortisol (the stress hormone) in challenging situations if you have thought of your values first
Improved performance and motivation
Increased happiness and well being
Decreased defensiveness
More accepting of differing points of view and new information
Increased feeling of social connection
Figuring out values isn’t all or nothing— they change with life phases and can differ in life domains, that is, how you want to show up at home, at work, with relationships, with yourself, etc. The more intentional we are, the closer we get to feeling fulfilled. Additionally, when you have clarity on values, when you’re in a distressful situation and difficult emotions arise, you can take a pause and decide how you want to move forward, by looking at the impact of the situation/thoughts (which likely brings you away from values) and what would bring you towards your values =and how you want to show up instead. This is called a choice point.
An example: this week, I wanted to go skiing but I’m very much a beginner and haven’t skied in 11 years. However, the opportunity presented itself and was also temporary (my parents are amidst a move from Tahoe to Seattle). I had quite a bit of anxiety leading up to this—around how scary it would be, how I wasn’t ready for the ski lift, how I could potentially fall over and over or even worse, crash into someone, how I would get ‘stuck’ on a steep slope and not know what to do, how I would hurt myself and not have fun. The anxiety sat with me all morning as I had breakfast, as I got ready, as I checked the snow report over and over, as I drove up the mountain, and as I stepped onto the mountain. Before leaving home, I had several moments of wanting to ‘call it’ and just stay home, warm in my room, safe in my comfort zone. In the past, this anxiety might have done just that— led me to stay home because it would have felt way more intense and “hooked” me with thought spirals and brought me “away” from how I wanted to be living (refer to the choice point above!).
But that didn’t happen this time. Instead, I held the anxiety but only in the corner of my mind. Even though I knew what I was anxious about, I didn’t quite play the narrative of all the reasons, nor did I visualize these scary what-ifs. I just focused on getting ready and getting there. I knew internally that what was leading my decision to go skiing were 2 values— being adventurous and connection to nature. These led me to get to the mountain and face my hesitations, rather than have my emotional discomfort in the moment convince me to stay home. And in the end, it was incredible. There were certainly scary moments (and a couple falls!), but I loved it. I know that when I do things that feel adventurous (even if scary) and that when I’m immersed in nature, I feel connected to life and fulfilled and really present.
This shows how useful it is to hold in mind values when we make decisions— so that they’re coming from our heart rather than our momentary emotions. There’s also a tendency to get stuck in decision paralysis— we don’t want to regret our decision later on. Of course this is valid and we can make informed decisions, but at the end of the day, we can’t predict what is going to happen. Instead, we can ensure that a decision comes from our values and feel comfort that we’re in alignment, no matter what the eventual outcome is. We don’t have to let fear or anxiety run the show, or do we have to abide by what our worries are telling us and believe them.
Identifying your values can be tricky; you can consider values overall (how do I want to show up in life?) or within specific life domains (how do I want to show up in relationships/ work/ health/ homelife/ etc.?) It’s also worth considering what values you currently live by and what has influenced them, such as culture, family, society, and whether they are actually authentic for you, rather than inherited as how you think you’re “supposed” to be living.
The key to feeling these values though, is through mindfulness. Like all other embodied facets, such as presence, acceptance, gratitude, the cognitive work only leads us so far. We have to be able to drop into our bodies and into the moment to actually be present with the values we’re living by. Mindfulness will also keep us grounded in moments of hesitation or anxiety (like the morning of my ski adventure!) by helping us tap into the present and not live in our heads.
And these can also be momentary, and that is ok and in fact wonderful, when we notice the small moments. For example, connecting to nature is a value to me, but it doesn’t only happen when I go on hikes; it happens when I notice the palm trees on my drive, when I water my plants, when I look up at a full moon, when I notice all the flora on a neighborhood walk. These are seemingly fleeting, but in these moments, I’m not in my head; I’m present with what’s important to me and what I love. And those small moments add up. They create breaks in my day and stress and autopilot-ness and thought spirals, and they create well-being.
Living by values doesn’t mean that you’re never going to be stressed or feel difficult emotions, it just means you’ll be more in touch with what makes you happy and fulfilled. Eventually that also creates a flow and you’ll be able to work through tough moments more easily and not get “hooked”. Be patience and compassionate with yourself as you identify your values. Try them out, continue to practice mindfulness, and see what happens ✨
Research references
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16262767
https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2014-29139-005
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18727791/
https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/reflecting-on-values-promotes-love-acceptance.html
5 ways to identify and align with your values
Consider this list of values and notice what stands out to you, to begin identifying values. Ask yourself why a value is important, how it feels when you act through it, and where you want to feel more of it (in life overall or in certain life domains). You can also search for longer lists of ‘core values’ or ‘life values’.
Identify goals, actions, and/or mindsets that would put you in touch or amplify this value. Remember that values are not goals— they cannot be “achieved” but you can create a goal that will “light up” a value. For example, if a value you want to live by is courage, a goal could be to try something ‘scary’ once a month, such as improv class. Or if a value within the domain of relationships/dating is to be open-minded, rewiring your inner narrative and mindset to reflect open-mindedness.
Use the Bullseye exercise to determine how close you are, to living aligned with your values in different life domains and how you can get closer. Try to understand what’s blocking you from living closer to your values in each domain.
Practice mindfulness consistently, to develop it as an internal skill. Without mindfulness, you won’t be able to notice when you’re disconnected from values (when you feel stuck) and you won’t fully feel the positive impacts when you are in touch with values. Mindfulness also allows you to notice and savor the ‘small moments’ of values, which helps you disconnect from being on autopilot and increase overall well-being.
Once you know your values, lead by them, and not emotions or reactions or lack of motivation. This is particularly important in moments of discomfort or low motivation. Being aligned with your values won’t always feel comfortable or easy. This becomes easier the more you can tolerate discomfort and not let it overcome you, but rather hold it gently and keep moving forward as the person you wish to be.
For more information and more work on aligning with values for a fulfilling life, Russ Harris’ book The Happiness Trap.
