Misconceptions about happiness.
And how to access a more fulfilling life.
When it comes to happiness, there’s a general misunderstanding of what it means, where it comes from, and how to sustain it. While happiness is one emotion of joy and well-being, its often mis-used to describe a deeper fulfillment in life. This semantic difference creates an illusion though, that a fulfilled life would mean being in that constant state of joy, which is unrealistic. A full life consists of the difficult emotions, which are healthy and beneficial for us, even though they don’t feel good. With the right emotion regulation tools, we can move through the difficult emotions with more ease, and not hold the expectation that being happy or fulfilled = no pain or suffering or challenges in life. Folks who are truly fulfilled actually experience a state of equilibrium, feeling both joyful moments and painful moments fully.
There’s also a misperception that happiness is a natural state, and social media feeds this illusion. By constantly seeing curated versions of others’ lives, we get the idea that everyone around us is happy or fulfilled and we’re alone in our struggles, which further deepens distress. It also increases self-stigma when we do inevitably struggle and are faced with painful thoughts and emotions (which is normal!); we criticize ourselves as “weak” or defective. This can also feed into the urge to immediately get rid of any uncomfortable (“negative”) emotions when they arise, rather than bringing curiosity to what they are telling us and practicing coping tools and healthy healing.
Many folks rely on the “if only…”, believing that external circumstances or material things will bring happiness or fulfillment. While there is some truth to this, i.e., having enough income for stability, we get trapped when we believe that our fulfillment depends on these external factors 100%. It creates a negativity bias, where we over-focus on what we are yearning for or what is missing, and discount the positive aspects of life that could hold much gratitude. We become not present with those joyful moments and savoring them, as the mind is always caught onto what is missing. In addition to that, when we finally receive those things we’ve been wanting, the joy isn’t lasting and there’s a tendency to quickly move to the next factor or thing that you desire.
What I often see with clients is the urge to “figure out” how to be happy. And while there certainly is a component of introspection, managing the mind, and cognitive reframing, especially to cope with anxiety, depression and stress, we can’t solely think our way into fulfillment and joy. It takes dropping into the body and into the moment so that you can embody being present, acceptance, and gratitude. These all are felt experiences. Happiness (fulfillment) is not a state of mind, it’s a state of being.
When you get very clear on your values (what personally brings you meaning and purpose), the next step is being present with those values, even if they occur in single moments. Fulfillment comes from deep sources such as meaningful connections, personal growth, and a sense of purpose, rather than instant gratification.
What does fulfillment mean to you? Does it feel like you are close or far from it?
Ways to create fulfillment in life
Redefine what it means to “be happy”. Bring acceptance to the fact that you will experience suffering and challenges, and can simultaneously have a fulfilled life. Drop expectations that being fulfilled means being in a state of joy all the time.
Let go of perfectionism, cognitive distortions and the “shoulds” of where you should be in life. This could take some active cognitive reframing, but you can create new neural pathways on how you view yourself and the world around you. Changing your perspectives and mindsets has a major impact on how you engage with life.
Identify if you are relying on external factors, in order to feel fulfilled. Reflect on how much you’re depending on these and develop a more holistic view on what’s meaningful and already present for you. Take stock of what is currently part of your life and begin practicing deep gratitude.
Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is the pathway to being present and embodying acceptance, gratitude, and compassion. Begin a daily practice and stay consistent. Work on being present especially in moments of joy, with meaningful connections, and when you’re in touch with your values.
Get clarity on your values. Values are what give us purpose and meaning. Identify what is important to you— what makes you feel alive, inspired, or fulfilled— and do activities and create goals that align with these values.
Invest in relationships. Whether its romantic, familial, friendships, or community, invest time and energy into your relationships. Social support with the right folks brings deeper meaning, validation, and connection.
Seek professional support. Mental health concerns, everyday distress and the mind get in the way of creating a fulfilling life. With the right support, you can both mange the mind, create strong emotion regulation tools, figure out how to identify and align with values, and learn mindfulness skills.
