Leaning into discomfort.

How it enhances personal growth.

Discomfort and suffering are inevitable, they’re built into life. They come in emotional, mental and physical forms and can range in intensity. Sometimes discomfort comes out of nowhere— you get triggered and suddenly your body feels on edge, your mood drops and your mind is spiraling. Other times, you can guess situations when discomfort might arise.

Some common times we experience emotional discomfort include:
- Stress and anxiety
- Conflict or difficult conversations with others
- Grief, loss, or ambiguous grief
- Feared situations
- Major life changes
- Trying something new or stepping out of our comfort zone
- Negative self-talk, low self-esteem or self-doubt
- Unresolved trauma or getting triggered
- Loneliness
- Shame and guilt
- Rejection or feelings of failure
- Lacking control
- Unmet needs

A common tendency is to avoid emotional discomfort as much as possible. Part of this comes from an evolutionary survival instinct—when emotional pain is perceived, the amygdala can trigger a "danger" signal, activating the body's stress response, which can include fight, flight or freeze. Avoidance is often the “flight” part; which is the instinct to escape or avoid a threatening situation and get away from the source of stress. The problem? Our minds can create turbulence that feel like a threat, when in reality, there is none in our physical environment that would evolutionary warrant such a response.

It is so much easier to distract, and the truth is, distraction can be a useful coping strategy, especially if we need to focus on what’s present in front of us in a given moment. But this only provides a temporary solution. Deeper core beliefs and emotions that drive the discomfort don’t magically disappear; they typically get pushed down, ignored, or repressed and show up in other ways, such as more intense reactions, relational responses, or as manifestations in the body.

On the one hand, it makes sense why we avoid experiencing emotional discomfort— why would we want to feel terrible? Why would we want to stay in a place where our body is dysregulated, our mood is unbalanced, and our minds feel chaotic?

The answer is— this is where growth occurs and how we evolve to connect more deeply to ourselves, our values, and the relationships in our lives. The challenge— its highly uncomfortable. We often think that we can’t tolerate it. That it will overwhelm us and we’ll get stuck. And perhaps there were moments or seasons in life where you did feel significant and persistent distress and it was extremely difficult. So we can validate the fear of overwhelm, while also knowing that there is growth and wisdom on the other side of the discomfort.

What does it mean to lean into discomfort? It means being in contact with the emotion, examining the mind with curiosity and compassion, and regulating the body. At the core is acceptance. So often, we attach on evaluations of how bad [insert difficult emotion] feels and how intolerable it is. And sometimes it truly does feel intolerance, but all sensations have an end point. When we accept what we feel in a given moment, we honor it and allow it to run its course, instead of wishing it away or judging ourselves (“I shouldn’t feel this way”).

During moments when the body is experiencing uncomfortable physical sensations, you can first bring the intensity of the emotion down, through grounding/self-soothing techniques. While the next natural inclination is to distract, get caught up in an activity or continue on in autopilot, what’s most useful is sit with yourself. Begin to explore what emotion is present for you, without judgment, trying to problem solve it away, or get rid of it; instead acknowledge and honor all the emotions in that moment. This type of self-compassion meditation is useful for working with difficult emotions, as is this meditation on befriending emotions.

After recognizing the difficult emotions associated with your discomfort, give them a voice and breathing space. Inquire, with curiosity, why the emotion might be present? What is it indicating to you, particularly around what is important to you? Does the sentiment/sensations feel similar to other moments or stressors in life? If the emotion literally had a voice, what would it be saying?

While it sounds counterintuitive, when you lean into difficult emotions, it can be exactly what helps alleviate it. The trick is quieting the mind’s judgments, evaluations, and added narratives about the situation or yourself. All of the mental chatter is typically what makes the discomfort feel even worse and extend longer than it needs to. This means acknowledging the emotion and carrying it with you through the day, while focusing [as best as possible] on what’s in front of you, not all of the thoughts involved; mindfulness builds this skill of presence and detaching from thoughts.

The journey of leaning into discomfort is different and personal for everyone. It could look like being in contact with a difficult emotion for just 1 minute; or meditating on it for 1 hour. It could range from sending a text that gives you anxiety, to having a deeply difficult conversation. There’s no right or wrong way to become more comfortable with discomfort. Sometimes, you will bounce back quickly; other times, you will get stuck in a dark rut for a few days. As long as you hold the intention to be in contact with discomfort, you’re already on the path to doing it.

Check below for ways to lean into discomfort

Ways to lean into discomfort

• Regulate your nervous system, through self-soothing techniques. Bring the intensity of discomfort down a notch so that you can work more effectively with the discomfort. You can also ground through physical movements such as running, dance, stretching, yoga, etc.

• Journal. Give the difficult emotion a voice and ask yourself with compassion and curiosity, why might this be here? If I had to guess, what is my best guess as to why this emotion is part of this present moment or difficult situation? What is the emotion telling me about myself, particularly around what is important to me? What automatic thoughts and beliefs come with this emotion? How do I feel about this emotion being here? Am I judging it or wishing it away? How can I respond to the discomfort by acknowledging its presence, honoring it, or even befriending it? Gain wisdom from the emotions, as they are all present for a reason.

• Be more intentional around difficult conversations. If your anxiety is high, take action to feel more grounded first. When we speak from a place of emotional distress, we often don’t have the clarity we need to make the conversation intentional, nor to bring attentive listening and compassion towards the other person. On the other hand, if you’re avoiding conversations that could be uncomfortable, journal what you want to say, identify what you’re afraid is going to happen, practice reframing and grounding, and remind yourself that there is going to be discomfort whether you have the conversation or not, to encourage yourself to go for it. Find ways to make it more tolerable (i.e. script it out and tell the person you want to read it to them).

• Cognitive reframing, particularly around what the emotional experience will be like. I.e., when the mind thinks “I can’t let myself feel this because I will get stuck there”, remind yourself that the thought is catastrophizing and reframe it into one that is neutral, accurate and/or self-compassion, “I will feel terrible but it will also pass”. Practice reframing how you’re thinking of the situation or stressor— ask yourself what evidence you have and create more helpful narratives.

• Meditate regularly. Particularly through mindfulness meditation, we build the intuitive skills of observing ourselves and breathing through discomfort. We also build the skill of embodying acceptance, as we learn to recognize thoughts, emotions and sensations and accept them just as they are, and without the push to get rid of them.

• Trust yourself. You have been through tough moments and discomfort before, you can handle it more than you think