Are your decisions based in fear or values?
How to identify the difference & create more fulfillment.
While it’s easy to recognize what fears and phobias we hold, what’s harder to pinpoint is when fear is in the driver’s seat for the decisions we make and how we move through life.
Values (which I also refer to as intentions) are principles or ideas that give us direction, motivation, and meaning. They indicate how we want to show up, and we choose them based on what is personally meaningful to you. Unlike goals, they are never fully achieved or finished; they simply guide our actions or goals, and shift how we internally feel.
Fear, while unpleasant feeling, has a useful evolutionary function— it ensures our survival by preparing us to respond quickly to threats in the environment. While this emotion formed in early human history to keep us safe, fear has evolved to more complex and abstract fears that are not immediate or physical threats in our surrounding environment. Consider moments when your mind alone has created anxiety by playing out a situation or worry. Fear triggers a physiological response in the nervous system to either confront the threat (fight), escape from it (flight), become paralyzed or stuck (freeze), or try to appease others to avoid conflict (fawn). On top of that, fear plays a role in memory and activates several parts of the brain, further creating fear conditioning (associating a neutral stimulus with a negative event).
Making a decision out of fear means that we let anxiety, worry, the desire to avoid discomfort, or the impulse to protect ourselves drive the decision we make. These decisions tend to be reactive, short-term, and focused on minimizing risks and avoiding pain, rather than maximizing opportunities and considering what would bring fulfillment.
A few examples:
Not applying for a new job to avoid the feeling of “starting over” at a new company.
The classic “FOMO” or fear of missing out, despite having a preference to rest or chose another activity that feels more aligned for that moment.
Deciding not to re-enter the dating world after a heartbreak, for fear of getting heartbroken again, despite holding the desire and value of companionship.
While these are concrete examples, fear can play a role in subtle ways as well.
Procrastinating, for fear of failure, making mistakes or being met with criticism. We might judge ourselves as being “lazy”, but underlying anxiety is often the actual cause.
Remaining in your comfort zone, for fear of uncertainty. This includes sticking to familiar paths, holding back on creative ideas or avoiding new opportunities/challenges.
Overthinking or striving for perfection, to avoid making the “wrong” choice.
People-pleasing and prioritizing other needs over your own, out of fear of conflict, rejection, or disappointing someone, even when it goes against your inner values.
Settling for less than what you desire or deserve— in relationships, work, life— for fear of not finding something better, being alone, or unsuccessful.
Avoiding difficult conversations, even when they’re necessary for growth or repair, because of the discomfort and potential conflict that will come from them.
While making decisions in this way could protect us from difficult emotions, the payoff is that we won’t grow and progress in life. We won’t be in contact with our values and what would bring fulfillment, inspiration, and meaning. And as we can see from the list above, there is already discomfort in moving through choices those ways; we may as well choose discomfort that leads to alignment and growth.
When fear arises, especially in the face of choices and taking action, we don’t need push down the emotion; rather we can listen to what it’s telling us. We can gain insight into what our anxiety, core wounds, and self-limiting beliefs are and do the work to dismantle what’s not serving us and in fact, holding us back. Once you consider what values you want to lead the way, a whole different life can open up for you.
How to make decisions based in values
❖ Identify your fear-triggers, which might include fear of failure, fear of judgment/rejection, fear of change or the unknown, fear of losing control, or fear of financial instability. Consider your past experiences that led to these fears and what beliefs and inner narratives were created.
❖ Cognitive reframing. Work on dismantling and re-writing and inner narratives surrounding your fear triggers and what you assume could happen. With CBT tools and support, you can break down core beliefs and replace them with beliefs that are neutral, compassionate and more helpful.
❖ Identify your core values. Reflect on what feels deeply aligned for you, what kind of person you want to be, and the intentions you want to live by.
❖ Starting considering the “why” of your decisions. Reflect on how you spend your time and energy and whether habits and decisions are intentional or not. When making decisions, ask yourself “does this align with who I am/am striving to be? What trade offs am I willing to make? Am I choosing this because it’s familiar or because it’s meaningful?” Consider long-term benefits v. short-term relief.
❖ Make decisions from a place of calm and being grounded. When you observe anxiety and fear arising, work on regulating the nervous system and self-soothing before making a decision or taking action.
❖ Practice mindfulness. Without self-awareness, you won’t be able to recognize, both in emotions and physical sensations, when fear is coming up. The skill of mindfulness increases our inner gauge to more quickly identify emotions, while also making it easier for us to pause before making a choice, to check in with our intentionality.
