Detaching from outcomes
And why it’s so important for fulfillment.
There’s the quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson — “Its the not the destination, it's the journey” — which you may have heard, or some variation of it. The idea being for us to enjoy the process, the journey, just as much as the destination itself.
As cliché or overused as this quote may be, there’s actually something very valuable about this idea. When we get wrapped up in wanting an outcome, we become attached to it and fail to view the steps getting us there, as well as everything else that’s part of the present, or the “meantime”. We also fail to tap into our values and what is going to be fulfilling in the present. This becomes especially true when we start to become anxious, distressed or hopeless about the desired outcome.
In ACT, there’s a useful metaphor about this: two children are in the backseat of a car with their parent, going to Disneyworld which is a three hour drive. Both are extremely excited. One continues to ask, every five minutes, “are we there yet?”, hyper-focusing on the outcome: Disneyworld. He is goal-focused so this is all he can think about; this is distressing for the child (and probably annoying for the parent!). The other child has the same goal: she wants to get to Disneyworld. But she’s also in touch with her values of playfulness, curiosity, exploration, and having fun. So in these three hours, she is looking out the window, waving to other cars, spotting farm animals on farms, singing along with the radio, and playing ‘I spy’.
Both children reach Disneyworld and have a great time; both have achieved their big goal. But the second child had a more rewarding journey, because she wasn’t just focused on the goal, she was also living in her values. And likely, on the way home, the same pattern will play out, where the first kid will be focused on “are we there yet?” to get home, while the second will be looking out the windows and appreciating how everything looks so different at night.
Being attached to outcomes and goals can lead to a lot of frustration or a sense of chronic lack, because we’re always looking to the future and striving to reach the next goal, with the illusion that it will bring lasting happiness or contentment. The ironic thing is, for many folks who fall into this boat, once they reach the outcome, their minds are already focusing on the next thing.
When we live by our values instead, fulfillment is not dependent on the outcome, but on the present-moment and how we’re showing up with what’s meaningful for us, despite how long (and perhaps painful at times) the journey might be.
This also means that if the outcome takes even longer, or is rerouted, or is not what we expected it to be, we are not as weighed down by the sadness or disappointment of it, because we did not have everything riding on that outcome for our contentment. If the parent’s car breaks down and Disneyworld doesn’t happen that day, both children will be disappointed, but at least the second child has experienced a fulfilling ride, while the first child has experienced nothing but distress.
Detaching from an outcome does not make it any less important. It simply means you can hold both the importance of it, while also holding your present values. Remaining attached will increase suffering during the journey.
What are areas of life that you feel attached to the outcome? How does this take away from what is in your present moment journey?
Keep scrolling for ways to detach from outcomes!
4 ways to focus more on the journey
When you notice yourself hooked by a desire goal or outcome (“are we there yet?”) try these tools to redirect yourself back to the journey:
Evaluate your values and begin connecting with them more. While the outcome may be important, its also only one part of your life. What else is there? What makes you feel alive, inspired, or connected deeply to life? How can you then take action or flow in a way that aligns with these qualities?
Honor the struggles. Sometimes it takes a really long time, or there are a lot of hurdles placed along the way to a goal. Sometimes we have to re-direct. Bring kindness and acknowledgment to these hardships, before shifting to acceptance where it’s helpful.
Bring presence to the joys. Some parts of the journey may feel really good, be present with that. There may be a lot of moments outside of this particular process that also feel good. When we’re not fixated on one thing, we can tap into the goodness in other areas of life.
Identify how you’re grateful for each hurdle, twist, turn and hardship. Look at all of these as opportunities to grow. They may be painful or disappointing, which is ok to feel, but also keep moving through with an appreciation for what it taught you or how it redirected you away from what was not aligned and towards something even better.
