Allowing, in meditation, and life.
What does it actually mean to “allow”?
A common phrase in meditation is to allow what arises; to allow the breath to flow naturally, to allow thoughts to arise, to allow an emotion to be present as it is, all with the intention of noticing without judgment and without the need to problem solve. In mindfulness-based meditations, we also guide ourselves back to the breath or another anchor— so there is a gentle dance of both the allowing + the return to the present moment.
The idea of allowing is to let go of control and give space for our whole experience to run its course freely. When we don’t allow, we deny ourselves the opportunity to experience to fullness of the meditation, or in a larger scale, of life.
Allowing life to happen takes vulnerability and courage. Why? Because frankly, many parts of life are crappy and bring us suffering. And to surrender to a [tough] moment and suspend judgment and the urgency to get rid of the discomfort, is no easy task. Being more comfortable with allowing takes practice. This is why formal mindfulness meditation has such a special role of giving us a chance to engage with this idea experientially (along with ideas of acceptance, compassion and gratitude), which gets translated into life and everyday moments.
When we sit with discomfort, we learn how to move through it— we learn to be nonjudgmental, to return to an anchor, and to accept what is present for us; the more we do this in a moment, such as with meditation, the more we can apply it to the crappy moments in life. We learn to reconnect with ourselves and find distance from the stories that our minds create and hook us with.
We also become more skilled at radical acceptance— when we try repeatedly to reject the reality we’re experiencing, our suffering will increase. Rather than resisting the parts of life that are very difficult (which makes them feel more intense and last longer), we can learn to make peace with what is, by turning towards the difficulty more skillfully and trusting the unfolding in life. Oftentimes, this is misinterpreted as defeat or becoming complacent; on the contrary, it’s an active willingness to accept reality with a neutral-ness and this ease actually allows us to move forward with more clarity, more hope, more trust, and more ease.
Allowing uncomfortable emotions (again without judgment or trying to get rid of them quickly or attaching unhelpful narratives to them) paradoxically helps lift them. All emotions are temporary. Some may last a very long time, but they are still temporary.
What are you not allowing in life? What are you holding onto and afraid to let go of? What would happen if you were to lean back and surrender?
4 Ways to practice allowing
Engage in a guided mindfulness meditation practice. While we can apply mindfulness to any activity, practicing it through formal meditation gives us a different space where we can really tap into this skill and become better at it. It provides the intention to go inward. Approach meditation without expectations and a curiosity of what might happen. With consistency and practice, this skill becomes more intuitive and the allowing that you master in meditation translates into life.
Examine, with curiosity, the resistance you’re holding. What is happening in your mind with areas that you’re resisting or holding on tightly to, which are causing distress? What narratives is your mind looping? How are these narratives getting you hooked, so that you’re not engaging in other meaningful parts of life?
Create space in your mind and body for emotions to move through you. When you notice uncomfortable emotions or tension in the body, see if you can stay with it— start small, maybe you can only stay with it for 1 minute before needing a distraction, and that’s OK. Continue to practice sitting with these sensations and they will eventually become easier. We cannot think our way into allowing; connecting with emotions and the body is a key part.
Take inventory of how you’re focusing on your largest goals and aspirations— how much is trying to control and how much is allowing? While it’s important to engage in actions and intentions to reach our goals, there is only so much within our control. What are aspects you’re trying to control but cannot? Bringing a sense of allowing to these will bring you more ease, which in turn, could help reach that goal.
Additional resources:
https://www.oprah.com/spirit/the-art-of-allowing/all
https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/softensootheallow_cleaned_01-cleanedbydan.mp3 (Soften, soothe and allow meditation)
